So - it's been a while since I updated, and I guess that's a good thing, inasmuch as I don't have any big "events" to write about. I guess I'm just in a little self-involved world that I like to call "life" that has monopolized my time and taken away from my blogging. For me, blogging provides a place to process things I'm learning about myself, and yes, sometimes just a place to vent. For my processing, I introduce the following musings:
As time marches on and I continue to be dateless (not just single, mind you, but completely without prospect), I find myself musing on why that is. I mean, you can say "there's nothing wrong with you! There is NO REASON why you should not be snatched up right now!" (Things that have been said to me in recent times...) But let's be real: there is the constant that is "you" -or in this case "me", that is ever-present and must be dealt with. I have felt in recent days this awareness of how I might appear to other people. It has not been a welcome awareness. Little things like the way I tend to walk really fast in the hallways at school, or in stores, and the way that I stand in line and sort through my purse and study my shopping list rather than make eye-contact or engage in small talk with anyone around me. I think I might come off as quite the aloof bitch, frankly. And sometimes, I think I am being one, but at other times (and I think most of the time, really) I am feeling so insecure or yucky-about-myself for whatever reason that day - well, it just oozes out of me, this lack of contentment with myself. I am of course, making these observations from a vantage point that may not be exactly accurate, but I'm sure there is a bit of truth in there somewhere.
I journaled recently that "I used to feel un-intimidating and likable. But lately I've felt it - the ugliness that I exude. I don't know where it's rooted, but I desire to change it."
Well, I think it's good to question yourself and look at your own behavior and coping/living mechanisms. I know that I do a lot of things wrong. I own a lot of crappy behavior. I'm trying to be more aware of people around me, and not so wrapped up in my own insecurity, inner drama/sadness, resentment towards people who are happy around me. I mean really, for my record over the last few years, I'm doing rather well with the whole "contentment" thing. I think I'm just breaking new ground as I move into owning up to what my reactionary behaviors to all the hurt have become, how those mindsets and behaviors have entrenched themselves into my life, and how I can change them and make new, better ones.
On this first weekend of spring, here's to a fresh beginning.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
I have no answers (clearly). But I think you are brave to ask the questions. And for the record, I think you own (and exude) more Beauty and Goodness than you're giving yourself credit for. I know you didn't say what you said so someone would say what I said -- but that's just part of your beauty.
Thank you, Ahnalog. You're too kind. :) Hope to see you in these parts soon!
Post a Comment