Pursuit

I gotta be honest - I don't what's going on with me lately, but I have just been at a place of unrest with life. (It probably has a whole lot to do with that last birthday I endured- I mean celebrated - last month.) And I'm going to continue this whole spiritual bent to my musings because that is so about where I'm at.

I just can't seem to shake God.

I have tried. I have railed against him. I have told my small group that someone else will need to share next week because they probably want someone who is actually in a relationship with God to share. I have asked him point blank if he cares, is listening, is real... I have cried alone, cried with friends, drank too much alone, drank too much with friends, read the Bible, journaled like it was my job, and come up with nothing substantial that's given me peace.

But. I keep coming back, and I know that I could not do that without something leading me that way. Humanly, I'm not capable of - what is it? Loyalty? Faithfulness? I really don't think I am capable of those things on my own. So I'm coming to the conclusion that there really must be something to this, because I'd have to have some kind of supernatural force that keeps driving me and dragging me and pushing me back to him. Praying in spite of myself - maybe that should be the name of this blog.

Sigh.

I don't want easy answers. My life has not been "easy" - well, I know in contrast to the suffering happening in the world, it's been tremendously easy. But I mean relatively speaking, my questions of why and WTF, frankly, are not going to yield easy answers. I guess ironically, what I wanted to write today, is that I feel hope at feeling pursued by God in some small way. That even though I am tiny tiny tiny in my understanding of what it means to walk with him, He still gives me the desire to.

God stuff is weird, isn't it?