Wasting

I'm sitting at Panera this Sunday eve, since I haven't had internet at my house for a few weeks now. I *think* I need a new router, as Com-suck says that my modem is working perfectly, but i don't know. This is just one more way that my loneliness is INTENSIFIED because I have no one to ask if I'm doing this trouble-shooting b.s. correctly. So I continue paying for internet service I don't have, because I feel helpless and stupid.

Yay! Good times. I'm about to burst into tears at Panera because I realized an hour ago that I hadn't taken my meds in a few days, and that's why I've been sleeping so much, had a killer headache this afternoon, and the feeling of darkness. I feel so bad for Fletcher, my sweet puppy. I literally slept 6 hours of daylight EACH DAY this weekend, and most of it, he lay with me, but parts he got up and whined, barked little yippy "GET UP!!" barks, and pooped in the hallway. Multiple times. I feel bad that he is with this loser depressed woman who does nothing interesting. I try my best to spoil him with treats and good expensive dog food and long wandering walks to stop and sniff. But it's not enough for his active puppy heart. I see his complete change of countenance whenever we see people outside, especially kids, and today he just lay in my neighbor's yard with the mom and her two kids while they washed their car. He was in heaven. Didn't need to exercise or play - he was just peaceful and content in their presence. When he and I sit outside, it's not the same. I know in a weird way "he loves me", but I can't shake the feeling that he should be with more people. I'm robbing him of a better life.

Well, we'll be in Orlando in a few days. He'll be in a house with another dog. Maybe that will be the answer. If it goes well... well, I've thought of getting another smallish dog to keep him company - to be his family, too. I wouldn't look at the shelters until I get back from crazy travel in July, but that is one option, other than giving him to a family.

Ugh. So sad, and so ready to get to Florida and Colorado and back to Florida and - and - I'm going to go now, and pack and hope and dream of brighter, sandy-er, and better days.