I'm scared

SO this will probably be more of a journal - don't feel like you should comment. (Feel free to offer wisdom and answers, if so moved.)

I am facing a very uncertain future - the L.A. adventure has been parent-approved as just that: an adventure, not a move. Promised not to quit my job until I have something else. But today I went through some stuff that I'm trying to garage sale in a couple weeks, and I just realized that I'm so sad to think of giving up my independence. That if I do this program, I am moving my furniture, my pictures, my wine glasses, my books and movies, into storage, possible not to be seen for several months. Yuck. That makes me feel sick. Giving up my independence because I'd be living in a friend's room in her house if I end up back here, living with who knows who if I ended up living in CA.

I don't understand how to read God sometimes. I used to feel pretty confident in my "gut" feelings on things. That if I prayed over something, after a while I could feel pretty confident on how I should act. Even if I didn't like the feeling, I knew what I needed to do, and I'd do it, resolved that I was following what God has for me. So why so much angst now? Is it because it's risk and big change? Change is always more difficult than status-quo - it's natural to feel some fear. Or am I struggling so much because it's not what God wants for me... because I'm not supposed to go? Why won't anyone just TELL me what to do?

Moving into this week post-Spring-Break with kids - gosh, I don't want to be a mess. I have to make my first tuition payment by next Monday - 450 bucks - yeah, that's commitment - so I've got about four days to figure this out. The sad thing is that I don't even know what I want - I know that I want passion in my life, in pretty much every meaning of that word, but I don't feel anywhere near having it. Teaching is almost a curse in its set-up - year to year, August to May with two months off... it lulls me into complacency, and I hate complacency. Because it seems to define me, probably.

Just needed to vent, to process a little.