Not yet, if ever

I tried to call the principal three times today - talked to her son at home, left a voice mail at her office, later talked to the secretary at school - never available when I was. I had a call back message from her when I got home from class at 6 (8:00 there) and by then - I had lost my steam, my courage, really.
What is going on?
Each of those times when I called her I was ready to talk - now I just feel sick. I don't have what I guess you would call a "peace" about it, I think because I don't have anything firmed up elsewhere. Not a job or a hint of a job, not an apartment or even a hope of a housing situation. WHY is this so hard? Why can I not do this? I feel absolutely the opposite of my words from last night - hell, from this morning. I'm just flat out SCARED.
And here's the thing - I don't feel confident that I CAN find something to do, ANYwhere, in time to pay my next round of bills in September. I am just sick. I know that God has provided for me in the past, but maybe I have worn out those passes. Maybe this is a time when there will NOT be something to save me, and then what? I don't know why I thought it would be a good idea to go about it this way - it was too reliant on God's timing matching up with when I needed things to happen. Now I have literally - nowhere to go.
I have received so much encouragement from the people I've talked with - Jeanne, Jay, Lil, Erin, Katie, Ryan - and several emails, too - thank you - so why the hell am I still so afraid? When I stepped down from golf coaching on Friday - maybe that was the biggest step I could take for now. Maybe I'm just supposed to go back and teach - half-heartedly, but yknow, people work lots of jobs half-heartedly -and just write.
You know what? I'm sorry for you my best friends reading this because it must be so incredibly frustrating to read this bullshit - that I just waffle and waver. We had two writer/director/producers teaching us today, and one of them said - DO NOT QUIT YOUR JOBS. DO NOT MOVE TO HOLLYWOOD. (That's right - he said this TODAY.) And I had at least 5 people, 3 of whom I'm not even close to, come up and say, "don't listen to him! He doesn't know what he's talking about."
(This morning I read my blog I wrote last night as part of my credo, so everybody knew what I was hoping to do today.)
Ugh. I just feel faithless and tired and hopeless.
I will write again when something, whatever, happens, and my heart has some sort of peace to express something good, hopeful, and right.