Fear

Tomorrow night is the Pre-emptive New Year's party that I go to every year. On the way home from last year's party I had a break-down of sorts, and I confess that the last few days have given me a certain dread about going again. In fact, my stomach feels hot right now, like it does when I'm afraid.

I am afraid. So that makes sense.

There is something inherently reflective about anything about the New Year - it doesn't matter that the party is the day before New Year's Eve. It's the same thing. I, being the reflective type (duh), am already trying to dismiss the thoughts that drive me to compare where I am today to where I was this exact time last year. That's natural, yes? What is not natural is the degree to which I can torture myself with mean-spirited bludgeoning of where and what I should be by now. A year later. Not much is different, really. Besides the fact that I've felt happy (for whatever that word means) the last few weeks - I don't know, I think I was relatively happy going into it last year. I remember feeling blindsided by the feelings welling up in me throughout the night, and it was a helpless feeling. I'd like very much not to relive that experience. I'd like to have fun and feel joyful and dance freely and laugh heartily. Am I capable of that? Hmm. I think I have been lately, but... it wasn't the New Year. Such pressure.

This year will be a little different, as I am going out for karaoke with some non-party-affiliated friends before the party. I don't know if that will be a good thing or a bad thing. Different should be good, right? Mixing it up so it doesn't feel like last year again? But I have some insecurities with these friends, and frankly at this point there are a lot of unknowns, and my imagination can just have a heyday with that kind of uncertainty.

So what is certain? Well, that I have these plans, that is certain. That I am afraid, that is certain. That I'm not sure what I'm going to wear, head to toe, that is certain.

Geez. I'll update you on the other side.