What Might Have Been

While at my parents for Christmas, I came across some of my old memorabilia, and the most precious find (so far) has been my novel, Abby, which I estimate to have been written around the age of 9 or 10. It is 31 pages long, and stops mid-sentence in a pretty exciting scene (as novels by ten year-olds go), and I must say, the most impressive thing to me was that I found only one grammatical/mechanical error of any sort. It was a their/they're/there error - how ordinary. But astonishing to see my grasp of indenting for each new speaker, and all of the little things that go with basic writing that I had grasped then. I only wish my writing had improved exponentially from that day - I would surely be a successful author by now!

Reading Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell right now, and I must say I find it very discouraging. I'm a little more than half way through, and I find myself frustrated by the conclusions about my own life that this book leads me to. Not encouraging at all. Like my own lack of remarkability was destined from my childhood... well, it feels very fatalistic. I do not need this sort of thinking reinforced in my brain right now.

I am thinking of taking a break from Facebook for a bit. Maybe a few days? I don't know if I can literally do it! But I know that I need to. The comparison that it leads me into is so damaging. I find myself in a fragile mindset this time of year, and this year seems worse than years past. I feel like Facebook exacerbates the view of myself that I have of being unusual and out of the ordinary - and I don't mean that in a charming, unique-is-good sort of way. Plus, my whole persona on Facebook is hard to maintain. Oh yes, we have our personas, don't we? My friend L said the other day it's like a form of "P.R." that she finds exhausting, being so conscientious about what one puts forth for people to see. Much like the Christmas Letter used to be - now facebook can do that sort of PR every day, if you choose. Well, my persona is clever and upbeat and sometimes cynical and rarely profound - and I just can't be her right now. She is tired and sad and doesn't have fun things to contribute.

Sigh - so serious. Journaled today for seven pages! THAT is how much I have on my mind. I feel a mess. A terrible, dreadful mess. Too much to bear right now. Thankful for a week to hopefully gather my thoughts a bit before back at work. Covet your thoughts/prayers. Season's Greetings and hugs to you, dear readers.