Being Known, Unknowingly

Gotta get in one last post for the YEAR - my blog archives by month and year, and I am two shy of matching my 2007 accomplishment of 45. Dang it - should I falsify my data by posting this one now, as is, and then write the new one as #45? So tempting...

But what would be the point. Eh - I don't care enough. :)

So it's 11:27 pm - Blogger BETTER recognize this was written before midnight - I don't know how my settings are really set anymore. (Do you love how concerned about this that I am right now? It says something weird about my personality, I'm quite sure.)

Two New Year's events tonight, and a major one last night. All good, all markedly different from one another. But I must say, I marvel at how each served a purpose for my heart in a way that needed to be served, and for that, I laugh at the sovereignty of God to know that me and my socially anxious and awkward self needed to buck up and go to all three events to get different things I needed to help me process through my little New Year's chaos I always experience to a degree.

Last night's affair was the one with well over 200 people in a warehouse photography studio downtown - talk about the Beautiful People. They were all there, and many of them call me friend for some strange reason. I climb that mountain of self-doubt every year to mingle in that crowd, and this year I went into it with *at least* good hair, as I was at the salon yesterday. ANYWAY, I danced, I laughed, I had some meaningful convos, felt some awkwardness, got through it - it was fun. Tonight I had a very casual get together with my small group peeps, my closest network (who are part of the Beautiful People from the night before, btw, but not the part that intimidate me.) That was low-key, no-frontin' goodness, and I had a teary heart-to- heart with my good friend K about the current state of my heart. She was awesomely nonjudgmental, as much as I feel worthy of being judged right now. But - that was the last part of the evening for me, that talk, and it was heavy, and left me carrying some stuff to the car as I tried to gear myself up for the last event of the night, a party given by very dear friends, friends whom I love and know me well, BUT - hosting a party where I would know very few other people. Why go, right? Ah, for the hosts, because I love them, and feel their love for me.

So I went, and it was lovely, and yes, all of those people there are part of the same community/network of friends, and they are awesome in their own right, and intimidating to me in a myriad of ways, but still, I found familiar faces sprinkled about that reminded me that I have connections to lots of different people in Nashville, even if I'm putting on my brave face to be with them... AND I was blessed by having one of my colleagues there - we have mutual friends in this group, and bonus - I think he's awesome - and it was SO WHAT I NEEDED to be able to talk to him, a teacher in my very SCHOOL experiencing the same angst about going back to work Monday and what all that MEANS. Because we do our jobs WELL. It is not punching the clock for us - it is so much more than that, and that takes so much OUT of us. It was exactly what I needed to connect with another teacher and feel normal about all that I've felt the last couple of months with teaching - big, route-determining thoughts.

There were more good things about this party, but one that I'll leave you with was a really sweet one. As I was approaching the door to leave (yes, before 11 at a New Year's party), an acquaintance that I've enjoyed connecting with several times in the last couple of years approached to hug me goodbye, and completely shocked me by telling me she reads this blog! And just wanted to let me know that she relates to me. And I'll tell you what - for the way my last few weeks have gone, that was just the perfect, surprising and sweet icing on the cake to finish the year off. With the unexpected joy of knowing someone is "getting" me even when I don't realize it. I know it seems silly - it actually happens more than I've acknowledged here, people saying "I read your blog" that I had no idea about - but tonight? I needed that. To feel a little bit known, supported somehow, unknowingly - it reminds me that in all my controlling, think-I-know-what's-really-going-on-ness, I do NOT. And there's freedom in knowing that I don't have to know everything. And I'm still OK in spite of it.