Summer Part II

Since school got out for summer, I've been home a total of 6 days. This is day 2 of my latest "homestretch." It feels weird to be alone, and to not be with children, as my fifteen-day trip to Colorado and then Destin was non-stop hanging out with my friends' sweet kids. Man, it is crazy the number of little ones I want to dote on, and I hate that I see them so infrequently. At the end of all that time, especially the last eight where it was just me and L and her three girls driving from CO to FL, then at the beach with them and L's mom - well, you might think I'd be all crazy and glad I don't have kids. L's mom said many times, "This trip is good birth control for you, isn't it?" I never felt like answering "yes", even at the most cranky, chaotic moments. I liked being "Aunt Carlen" - I liked it a lot, and wish that it could somehow be in my future to be a mom. But realistically - well, tick-tock. I think I've got some dealing to do with the disappointment of that lost dream, and it's going to take some time to move on from that feeling of loss.

Anyway - I'm home. I have projects to do - pictures to hang, rooms to arrange, pantry, garage, and closets to clean out - but all I want to do is veg. And write. I've been looking at cabins within a four-hour radius of here to have a writing retreat - been researching quite obsessively since I got home - which I just find funny that well within 24 hours of getting home, I'm trying to find a place to get away. I think it's the idea of home being a distraction. If I could just switch homes with a friend for a few days, right here in Nashville, it would feel like a cabin "away" and I'd feel like writing. WHAT the heck? Well, at least I didn't sleep the day away, though I am WAY in summer sleep pattern already, 2 days in: up til 2, sleep until 10. RIDICULOUS, I tell you. I can't not do it, though. It's weird.

So all this is to say - I'm alive. I hope for the next six weeks of summer vacation to have some productivity, some joy, some healing, some hope. Man, I just need to WRITE. Oh yeah, and hang those damn pictures.