Summer Part I

From Nana's 85th Birthday Party in Edgefield (Mom, Jason, Nana)

My last two weeks have been chaotic, and I've run the gamut of emotions. I am currently in the middle of what is I hope a PMS-encouraged bout of anxiety/sadness/hopelessness. Trying hard to remember my lessons of the last few months when I've wrestled with those Triple Demons of Insecurity, Hopelessness, and Rejection. I have tools to battle them, but right now I am feeling like I've lost the manual, or my tools need batteries, or - you get the idea.

One of my former students passed away last week. He was in my first class at Ravenwood, a boy named Aniket that went by "Andy." His family moved here from India when he was in middle school. He was a joyful, sweet, smart child, and he had liver cancer that was in remission, but a tumor formed on a critical place in his body that affected both his liver and his heart, and he was at school on Thursday and gone by Sunday morning. Terribly quick. And it feels terribly unfair that he should be gone. I have survivor's guilt right now as I consider how long I have lived, taking my health for granted and doing all kinds of terrible things to my body - and Andy dies at the age of 16 - just like that. He had come by my room about a month ago during break to fill me in on how he was doing - much better, he said, and excited to start taking some AP classes next year since he would not be missing so much school. He wanted to be a doctor and work on a cure for his disease.

During the faculty meeting on the last day of school - the day after Andy died - a couple of teachers shared some memories of Andy, and I could not stop crying. I was quiet about it, but I was mortified. A teacher I don't even know went across the room and got some tissues and handed them silently to me. I did not go to his memorial service that night. His family didn't want one, but his friends had begged to do something, and at first I was excited that it was scheduled before my trip to SC. But after the faculty meeting, I realized I couldn't hold it together. And I don't know if it was selfish, but I honestly didn't feel like I could go to the service and keep it together, and I was afraid of drawing undue attention to myself. I wasn't super close to him, after all, but the way his sudden passing affected me was jarring. I don't regret not going. I hope that is OK, somehow. There's nothing I can do about it if it's not. I shed lots of tears for him Sunday, and then at that meeting... well, God knows my heart.

I traveled to SC and spent a week visiting high school friends, college friends, and family, all over. Greenville, Edgefield, and Charleston - it was fast and furious. I had times of contentment, joy, fun, and some times of contemplation (mostly in the long car rides.) I listened to "The Life of Pi" in the car, and read "Same Kind of Different as Me" on the beach in two days. Loved both for very different reasons. Now I'm reading "The Glass Castle," and just enjoying being at home for a brief spell between my great adventures. More on that later...

Hmm. Processing a lot right now, and not sure how to articulate it, or even if I should. I guess I'll put out there that yes, I am trying once again to quit smoking. FOR REAL this time. No really. I've had three today, which is super good. Making myself think before I go have one "what am I feeling right now that makes me want a smoke?" And frankly, there is nothing worth having a cigarette over. Nothing. I need to kick this crap to the curb. And my two-week trip coming up will offer me NO opportunity to smoke, which I am thankful for. I really need to beat this. For me.

That's all I'll share for now. I'm feeling conflicted on how much to really write here (as few people as read it, still - people read it) and I do have things I need help with. Suffice it to say that one thing bothering me is how I struck out so completely with my EHarmony 3-month membership. I emailed with several guys that I thought had potential, and none of them progressed. It all ended with me sending the last correspondence. I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong, but I come up empty, rereading the last emails I've sent - I just don't get it. I'm sad about it.

More to come as I unpeel the layers of my... issues. :) Welcome, summer.