Good stress

At counseling today, David asked me to rate some things 1 to 10, and one of them was my stress level. Well, I'm an eighth grade teacher and it's a week before school's out for summer. What do YOU think? But y'know, as annoyed as I am with all of the end of the year responsibilities that get dumped on us, and the raging hormones of teenagers that lead them to lose all of their, well, sense, I am in this zen state of "good stress." I'm busy, and I'm barely able to keep with all the things my brain reminds me to do throughout the day, but I'm happy. In a weird, "maybe-I'm-in-denial" kind of way, but I will take happy any way I can get it. Yes, kids are crazy right now, but they're also at their most lovable, because I KNOW them now, as well as I'm ever going to, and it's easier to step back a bit and look at the situation we're in: I've seen them nearly every day for the last 10 months, and after next Thursday, I will not see 98% of them EVER AGAIN. And if I stay in L.A., well, it could be closer to 100. It's just a weird dichotomy, teaching and forming relationships with kids, being so much in their lives, and then nothing. Of course, don't feel too warm and fuzzy here. Some of them cannot leave my presence fast enough. You should have known that was coming.

But kids are the only thing I enjoy any more about teaching. And I don't think they are enough to keep me there. Not at this stage in my life anyway. I have fresh desires and confidence and longings and visions for what I want to be, do explore, learn, and I feel like I'm about to graduate from college again, with the whole world ripe with possibility.

Basically, my motto right now? Bring it. I'm a little scared, but I think it's the right kind of scared. Just the right amount of scared, like what an actor needs to feel before going onstage to keep his performance taut and real. At his best. I want to keep that kind of scared, the good kind of stress, that helps me get it together, plan what I need to plan, dream what I need to dream, (stay humble and thankful,) and do what I need to do.

Bring it.