I was just rereading some of the last few posts I've written, but focusing on the comments that people have left. Now granted, MANY people have commented via email, so in no way do the listed comments represent the absolute wealth of encouragement I've been given in the journey of this year (those emails have been archived, by the way, to turn to in times of need... hmmm! I think I might need to go look at those right about now...)
Actually, what led me to look at my blog was reading two of my friends' blogs, Eden and Amy, (who've both commented on mine recently, by the way!) because reading other people's stuff makes me want to write. There were a couple of things that stirred me, but one was a comment from a friend of Amy's who encouraged her that she was not alone in the stuff she was going through, and encouraged her to persist and trust and believe in herself (essentially, that's what she said) and it just inspired me to feel thankful, because right now I FEEL VERY VERY ALONE, and like I must be the first person to be THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT to have no clue what I want to do next. What I'm supposed to do next. Hell, WHERE I'M SUPPOSED TO LIVE next. Do you know how people say it's rude to type in all caps because it's like you're yelling? Well, THIS IS INTENTIONAL ALL CAPS. They were right - I am, for all intents and purposes, yelling. Yelling at MYSELF, yelling at God, yelling at the apparent unfairness of life itself, the randomness of it all - who does what or gets whatever or marries whomever or achieves whatever.
It's like this: I'm in a conundrum. At the same time, I recognize two things: I am extremely cool, intelligent, fun, talented, and if I try, pretty damn cute AND YET I ALSO AT THE SAME TIME absolutely drive myself FUCKING CRAZY because I don't do what I want to do - I don't believe in myself enough when it really counts to make a difference in my life. I spent a whole month with those people in Act One, and very, very few of them ever saw my personality - that's how involved, scared, overwhelmed, whatever I was there, and it was such a WASTE of opportunity. I could've had a safe community to go to there and really pursue what I've always wanted... I was in a weak position, but those people didn't have the context for who I really AM...this kind of weakness is not for the faint of heart, is it? It's for those who knew me when - who know who I CAN be. (I want THAT girl back. Now.)
I've been to my old school in CO twice this week (middle school where I taught four years) and these people BELIEVE in me and LOVE me to death and think I can do any freakin' thing I want - WHY? Because they know me - I was real with them, and because of that, I was my best self with them. It made me good at what I did, it made people want to be with me, and it made it a happy place for me to be.
OK - so where is all this going? I don't know - I'm just processing these thoughts as they hit the screen -I'm frustrated with myself because this kind of paralysis, indecision, unhappiness - is NOT ME. I hate this. I hate myself like this. If you hate me, too, right now, well, I fully endorse that and ask that now as your enemy, you would do what the Bible says and pray for your enemies.
And with that (big sigh), I'm going to bed.
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3 comments:
You can type in all caps all you want to, you deserve it. :)
But to pass the encouragement along, I don't think you've wasted the Act One opportunity. It's not like there's a time limit on it, and POOF, it's gone in a month if you didn't make something happen (and none of us have a clue what that's supposed to look like, by the way.)
Even if we didn't get to know the REAL Carlen, the one we did get to know is pretty cool, that's why we care about what happens to you, and send the prayers along to you.
Think of it as sewing seeds, 'cause I think that's somewhere in the Bible. :) You've sewn seeds with Act One, you're in the process of sewing seeds in Denver, but they're not Insta-Flower seeds, where you wake up and see big honking sunflowers out your window. You have to give it time to let the suckers sprout, flower, bear fruit, insert Bible phrase here. Time sucks, I know. But it's that crappy trust/have faith/believe in God stuff.
I know, I know, I'm a moron because I can say these things to you and still am clueless myself how to fix my life. Merrily we bumble along together...
OK, anybody reading my blog who hasn't figured this out already for other comments, "Amy the Writer" kicks SERIOUS ass and you should go read her hilarious, revealing, oh-so-good blog. Right now. Go.
Oh, Carlen. I am so chuckling to myself right now. I can SO relate to how you feel. I have been an absolute social disaster since we got to LA. I have stuck my foot in my mouth so many times that it seems easier to keep track of the times I have actually taken it OUT of my mouth!
It's like there is a second me inside my head second guessing the second guessing that the first me is already doing.
Sigh.
So...yo chick, it's chill. I'm pickin' up what you're throwin' down. Word.
Take a deep breath and enjoy the smog-free air for a while. By the time you get back, you'll have about 10 cohorts that may have made enough mistakes to be able to give you some decent advice from time to time.
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