Musings from a short cry

I tried to turn in early since I'm driving to Atlanta tomorrow and want to get a good night's rest. But - can't sleep. Tears came. And this is unusual for me. Seriously. In this extremely trying couple of months that I've been living in Greenville, this is the first time I have shed tears. Oh, I cried in Denver before making the drive here, and in LA I cried more than I had in the last couple of YEARS. I kid not. So - I've been back to normal - tear-free and getting through the days - when BAM. Here they come.

I don't mind tears when they're an expression of what you're feeling - an expression that helps you process or feel in their very existence. But these tears were no good. They were hopeless tears - I don't know what to do next. I cannot believe that a few months ago, I thought my life was "boring" and "pathetic." Gosh, then I had a full-time job, real income, and a super-nice apartment. NOW I know what it means to really be boring and pathetic. Geez. Move to a town where you have one friend and oh yeah - live with your PARENTS for the first time since you were 17. In the same cramped bedroom. Then turn OFF your brain and hurt to any real seeking or feeling and just "be" for a while - working inconsistent substitute teaching jobs, then seeking disastrously-low-paying retail jobs that you get but then don't get scheduled any hours to work... I am just frozen in this place of inaction and hopelessness. I get riled up and productive filling out job applications and dressing up to sit in a coffee shop to read (and maybe meet people) instead of just making coffee at home, and I go explore the art museum for two hours by myself one day (and friends, it's a REALLY small museum - I drank it in) and then - well, nothing. I try to invest or explore, to do things that will be interesting or awaken my dormant creative spirit, my dormant spirit, period.


At least these guys made me smile this week.

I have an interview at Barnes and Noble Tuesday. I finished training at Bath and Body Works Wed. night, and the first time I'm on the schedule is NEXT Saturday the 18th, CALL-IN hours, 2-5 - so that means I MAY get to work three hours MAYBE. In a two week period. WTF? What have I done WRONG to anger the fates this way? I'm just saying...everything I touch lately turns to LEAD.

I know I'm not alone in struggling with the way my life is going. I know there are bigger problems in the world than "woe is me - I have to depend on my parents for room and board right now." And all the rest of the shit that is me right now. I do recognize it could be worse. I am thankful for many things. I sought out this space tonight to find solace in writing the words out, I guess in some way hoping some inspiration might find me.

Hmm. Nothing yet.