Reaching

It is such a mystery why I even write here at all anymore. It used to be so fun. Now, it's like this thing that nags at me when I'm feeling contemplative, and I'm glad that I made it and all, but... well, if you're reading this, you're one of very FEW, so thanks for taking it in. Being an audience. Being my friend.

I had a great Saturday. I got into the organizing mode and cleaned out a bunch of crap, organized my PANTRY (huge job I've been procrastinating) and then actually got "dressed up" for a party. I felt like I looked pretty good, 10 pounds heavier than I was in May, but wow. No AC at this very crowded party, and I knew no one there *well*, and it was so super hot that I found myself sweating profusely, so I went outside where it was, seriously, a few degrees cooler, at like, 88 degrees at 7 o'clock, and I finished my wine, and then just left. After about 20 minutes of small talk. My heart was minorly broken by a girl that I thought I would be fabulous friends with at one time, and her eyes did not light up when she saw me. I talked with 3 friends from my Wise Women weekend, and they were wonderful, but I was so uncomfortably sweaty, that well, I just left. It was such a crowded party with SO very many people, that indeed, I know I was not missed. I am just proud of myself, TRULY, for getting dressed, buying wine, and GOING. On the way home I called a friend to see if she wanted to hang out over a bottle of wine, and I ended up going to see "Inception" with 4 other friends - and it was FABULOUS. I am so used to going to movies BY MYSELF, and it was just lovely to sit with people I belonged to, and love a really spectacular movie together, and I felt the night was redeemed.

The best part of the night is that I called my friends. That I did not leave the party and go home to drink alone in despair. That is HUGE that I did that. In fact, I called one friend who couldn't hang out tonight, but we WILL hang out Monday. So... score. And perhaps the biggest part of the night: I finally emailed the counselor that everyone and their brother (almost literally) has told me I need to see. I am facebook friends with this man from my church who has helped SEVERAL of my friends, in big ways, and I finally gave up the fear and wrote to ask him for a session. I am so mystified by the power of the negative thoughts over me, and I reached that point of giving up. Oh, how I hope he can help me.

So - the school year is nigh - only 4 days away, and I'm not ready. But excited nonethelesss with the busy-ness of it all. Tomorrow I'm hoping to continue my house productivity, and I am a social butterfly from Monday to school starting, with hopefully a counseling session in there. Thanks for your companionship.