Sigh

Oh me. I am tiiiiired. And I'm sad. Ugh. Sick of myself here. I am not doing well with my script-writing, I cannot stick to my eating program, and I am sick of being Miss Independent. I am striking OUT on this dating site. It has been comically painful at times. It just doesn't seem to be the way for me to meet someone.

And it's not that I feel like I'm supposed to find someone right now. I clearly am not ready. But I had been feeling so much better about just being me - about being content with my life the way it is. At times, I really am. Spring Break was perfect for me - restful and fun. Summer starts in 6 weeks from TODAY. I'll be free to do whatever I want... oh boy, is that scary. :) But tonight I'm not feeling the contentment in myself, and I feel disappointed in myself for that (is that twisted somehow? I think so.)

It's hard just being yourself, and finding that that is not appealing to someone. Well, in a want-to-be-with-me way, it's not appealing to anyone. That's what dating sites do: they open you up to instant rejection without even any contact based on your pictures and a few paragraphs you've written to try to present yourself succinctly, accurately, and appealingly. And then there are the ones I start communicating with - some emails, and maybe even a long phone call - but then that ends, too, with no explanation. There's really no explanation required at such an early stage anyway - it's just chemistry. But it still smarts. And I feel defiant for a second, because I think "You're missing out!" but then I just feel rejected. That seems to be the feeling that has staying power.

So - I'd like to motivate to using writing like I have in the past as a way to heal my hurt. A distraction, an avenue for self-expression and creating a world that is not about my life - that has nothing to do with real life, with real me. So far, it's just not taking. I just can't escape me, and I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to. But facing me is exhausting, and I know all the tricks and mind games and things I'm supposed to buy into to move on.

I really don't even know why I'm writing. I know that sadness drove me to the keyboard. I have no tears tonight. Just weight on my chest and fear for tomorrow. It will get better, this I know.